Diary of a Stay at Home Mom

Quote of the Day:  "We're sick of not being able to afford things."

Ohh, my children, me too, me too... I miss packing us all up and going somewhere really nice for a week. I miss saying 'Yes' when you want to do a hundred extra activities and need a particular pair of shiny brand-name football boots. But LOOK! We can make a huge mess in the kitchen! Repeatedly! And your mother is so laid back that she doesn't bat an eye. AND we had chocolate cake for breakfast.

In other news, I am still fatter than I used to be. I have bitten the bullet and bought new trousers that I can do up without SUCKING IN. Which is fine, this is my normal 'Living in England' waistline. Or maybe it's the 'Unemployed Mom' waistline, a result of not having three expensive hours of yoga a week to look forward to. Or is it the chocolate cake for breakfast? I'll chalk it up to a lack of stress and leave it there.

If all goes according to plan, I'll be re-entering the world of work and money soonish. It's making the Summer Holiday even better, knowing how busy life used to be. Today, the boys and I rode to the park and they did the dirt jumps while I lay under a tree for TWO HOURS. I've loved the slow mornings, seeing Chas and Sam out the door and then hanging out with Max till his school gate opens. It's been good for Chas and Sam to have a mama on call... big boys need mummies too! We have worked on a few issues, Max's reading has improved dramatically, and giving everyone more attention has, weirdly, made them more independent and helpful.

Not that they appreciate their mother, or anything drastic like that. Ha! No, if I'm going to be appreciated, it will have to be by impressing the person who matters most: Myself.

Now, excuse me while I go jump on the trampoline till I get all sweaty and build up enough static charge to ZAP SOMEBODY!

Dear Pockets...

Dear Pockets,


Please could you tell me the winning numbers for the lottery. The glass on our oven door fell off and so we have had to fix it back with duck tape, since finding a new oven to fit the space might not be possible and an entirley new kitchen is out of the question! We would be willing to send a cut your way if you can help.


I await your reponse with eager anticipation!


Sincerely, Aclare


...............................................

Dear Agony Aunt:


Can you please tell me how to write a best selling novel, so I can give up my day job and lead the life of Riley?


Also, please explain how to make my teens grateful for my tutelage.


Sincerely, Mother


...............................................


Dear Aclare and Mother,

First of all, would I be here if I knew how to win the lottery/write a best selling novel? Why oh why do you torment me so? However, because I am a kind and helpful Aunt Pockets, I will do my best.

Aclare, I feel for you. Fitted ovens were designed especially all in different sizes so that when they break, it will be impossible to get a new one in without knocking several walls down and selling your kidney. Never fear, the designer of your oven is suffering from horrible hair loss and toenail fungus as we speak.

Is there a handyman nearby who could do something madly creative with a drill, and get your door glass connected again? If you could make it last another year or so, you might find yourself in a position to redecorate then. Try calling around and see if you can find a sympathetic and creative repair man.

And if you DO win the lottery, it was totally because of me so don't forget my cut!

Mother, your writing is great. Before you start pitching that novel, try pitching to magazines first. Read a few and see what you can find with short stories and articles, and write a few in that style. Most importantly, look at how many words are used in each magazine's articles, and stick to that number. Each magazine will have spaces for certain sized article spaces, so you want to be the person with JUST what they are looking for. Email them your ideas, sit back and wait.

With practice, you will polish up your pitch and improve your writing. Hopefully you will even get feedback from editors, which is always good. With a few published articles under your belt, you can REALLY call yourself a professional writer, and eventually, with luck and tons of hard work, you'll be living the life of Riley.

Failing that, you could kidnap a famous author and drug them into submission. You could do that!

How to make teens grateful? BWAHAHAHA! Good one! I tried going on strike, and they didn't notice. We were knee deep in smelly socks before I caved. I have a coffee mug that says, "Teenagers! Are you tired of being harassed by your stupid parents? Act Now. Move out, get a job, and pay your own bills, while you still know everything." They think I'm very droll.

You could try putting signs up everywhere...

Sincerely,

Aunt Pockets

Share your agonies, bizarre problems and questions in the comments section. Names will be changed to protect the guilty.

It's Advice Column Time Again!

"Dear Pockets..."

Have you got pet problems? Soufflé not rising well? Communication breakdown with spouse? Not sure where to seat your stepmother's ex-husband? Think your co-worker might be an alien?

No matter the crisis, your Agony Aunt can solve the problem. No matter how bizarre.

Don't Worry, it's Still Green...

He's leaving, in a big yellow taxi AND a jet plane...

We're singing sad songs around here, the Man of the House has gone back to work. We're throwing ourselves into our work, cousins, the great outdoors and Harry Potter to keep ourselves busy.

Sean and I rode for miles yesterday along the cliffs and the beach, ate lunch on the promenade outside West Beach (Mussels! Scallops! Nomnomnom!) rode all the way back (via ice cream) and then had dinner with friends in their lovely new flat. It was a great ending. I have sunburned shoulders.

Safe Skies, LoveChicken!

The grave of Sarah Elizabeth Harris, and in memory of her husband and her 16 and 14 year old sons who were lost at sea in 1916. 

"We cannot bend beside their grave, 
For they sleep in the secret sea
And not one gentle whispering wave
Will tell the place to me.
But though unseen by human eye,
Though mortals know it not,
Their father knoweth where they lie, 
And angels guard the spot."


This graveyard overlooks the sea at Appledore in Devon, where so many wives must have watched for their returning sailors.  

Birthday Pockets!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAM!

Was he cute, or what? Who'da thunk that this precious toddler would have become the smelly wonderful young man he is today?

Creative, loving, smart, a great musician and a caring brother... I'm proud of you, Samwise. And I love you with all my heart.

"Don't You Wish They Would Stay Little?" No.

In the beginning, the word was Sleep...

Before you have a baby, you have no idea how tired you are about to be. Think you're tired when you're pregnant? HA! When I was becoming a mum, I wanted to be a REALLY GOOD PARENT in those IMPORTANT EARLY YEARS, and somewhere, I kinda knew that one day I would have my energy, independence and spontaneity back, but I was not prepared for the complete and utter death of my social life. When there was a social event, I had to prepare for it months in advance:

3 Months Ahead - Contact Willing Grandparent Babysitter.

2 Months Ahead - Begin Expressing Breastmilk, at One Drop Per Fortnight.

1 Month Ahead - Wonder if I'll Leak on Dress.

Two Weeks Before - Wonder if Baby Will Sleep Through Night, Ever.

One Week Before - So Exhausted, Consider Contracting Deadly Disease so Won't Have to Go Out.

Day Before - Baby is Teething. Purchase Seven Litres of Medicine.

The Night - Fall Asleep in Canapés. Get Giddy on One Glass of Wine. Grandmother Calls at Ten to Say Baby Still Bawling Head Off. Attempt Intelligent Conversation and Fail, Because Apparently There is a New President. Who Knew?

Day After - Baby Wakes at Five a.m. and Makes Your Life a Living Hell All Day. Swear Never to Go Out Again. My Life is Over.

But no! With the passing years, exhaustion becomes less of an all-consuming, mind-numbing, utterly boring fact of life. I sleep. My youngest starts going to school. Suddenly, life becomes interesting again! And a social event takes on a whole new tone:

One Hour Before - I call a random babysitter from list, who cannot come at short notice but has a friend who can? "Oh YEAH," I say, "Seven o'clock? Awesome."

30 Minutes Before - Shave legs, apply makeup etc. Dress.

T-Minus Fifteen Seconds - Random babysitter arrives. I give them my number, in case my kids set the house on fire, apply lip gloss and leave.

Night Out (or in, even) - Eat, drink, meet interesting friends-of-friends. Know what people are talking about when they mention current events. Dance. Don't say the words "Poop" or "Sleep" even once. Get up-to-date on the gossip, admire fabulous shoes, laugh till face hurts. Offer free counselling. Psychoanalyse assorted family members and neighbours. Solve national crisis.

Day After - Child puts head around door. "How do you want your eggs?" Mumble, "Just tea..." and have lovely relaxing day recovering, proof-reading homework, listening to grownup music and playing silly-hat rummy.

Why is There a Banana in Your Ear?

Yup, I like my kids older. Even though they are smelly and pointy and Chas is suddenly TALLER THAN HIS AUNTY! When he's taller than me, I might descend into denial but for now, they are awesome. 


In other news, I have updated my art portfolio: Here. Cuz I am all about Enhancing My Online Presence these days. OH! and in OTHER other news, I have two paid writing commissions! TWO! I'll keep you posted on when they are publishing. Months, it seems. 


Do you miss your kids' baby years? 

More Kitchen Table Chaos...

Remember Sean and the boys made a 'Cajon' drum? They said it needed painting, so I waited till they weren't looking and painted it. Fun! We figure we'll do two more. 

When Chas saw it he said "Oh WOW! That is AMAZING! DADDY YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS IT'S SO COOOL!" Coming from a teenager, that's like winning a Nobel Prize.

To play the 'Cajon', you sit on it and tap the spruce soundboard with your hands. Or feet, even. The plain face is the soundboard. Guitarists seem to love these, it must be the round hole! I think it would make a great addition to an acoustic Parang Side.