Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Dear Pockets...

Dear Pockets,


Please could you tell me the winning numbers for the lottery. The glass on our oven door fell off and so we have had to fix it back with duck tape, since finding a new oven to fit the space might not be possible and an entirley new kitchen is out of the question! We would be willing to send a cut your way if you can help.


I await your reponse with eager anticipation!


Sincerely, Aclare


...............................................

Dear Agony Aunt:


Can you please tell me how to write a best selling novel, so I can give up my day job and lead the life of Riley?


Also, please explain how to make my teens grateful for my tutelage.


Sincerely, Mother


...............................................


Dear Aclare and Mother,

First of all, would I be here if I knew how to win the lottery/write a best selling novel? Why oh why do you torment me so? However, because I am a kind and helpful Aunt Pockets, I will do my best.

Aclare, I feel for you. Fitted ovens were designed especially all in different sizes so that when they break, it will be impossible to get a new one in without knocking several walls down and selling your kidney. Never fear, the designer of your oven is suffering from horrible hair loss and toenail fungus as we speak.

Is there a handyman nearby who could do something madly creative with a drill, and get your door glass connected again? If you could make it last another year or so, you might find yourself in a position to redecorate then. Try calling around and see if you can find a sympathetic and creative repair man.

And if you DO win the lottery, it was totally because of me so don't forget my cut!

Mother, your writing is great. Before you start pitching that novel, try pitching to magazines first. Read a few and see what you can find with short stories and articles, and write a few in that style. Most importantly, look at how many words are used in each magazine's articles, and stick to that number. Each magazine will have spaces for certain sized article spaces, so you want to be the person with JUST what they are looking for. Email them your ideas, sit back and wait.

With practice, you will polish up your pitch and improve your writing. Hopefully you will even get feedback from editors, which is always good. With a few published articles under your belt, you can REALLY call yourself a professional writer, and eventually, with luck and tons of hard work, you'll be living the life of Riley.

Failing that, you could kidnap a famous author and drug them into submission. You could do that!

How to make teens grateful? BWAHAHAHA! Good one! I tried going on strike, and they didn't notice. We were knee deep in smelly socks before I caved. I have a coffee mug that says, "Teenagers! Are you tired of being harassed by your stupid parents? Act Now. Move out, get a job, and pay your own bills, while you still know everything." They think I'm very droll.

You could try putting signs up everywhere...



Sincerely,

Aunt Pockets

Share your agonies, bizarre problems and questions in the comments section. Names will be changed to protect the guilty.

7 comments:

Wacky Mommy said...

hahaha -- yer funny, girl. Love the new look -- v. lush and soothing, just like you.

Debs said...

I love your advice column! can I get some advice?

My friend has moved away and left me here to suffer. How do I get her to come back?

The Mother said...

Thank you, Agony Aunt. I feel much better now.

Can you recommend some magazines that might be looking for snarky, sarcastic, atheist prose?

Also: I have hit on one thing that does actually cure teenage bitching--

AGING.

(alas, it's a slow process)

Nan Sheppard said...

Thanks, Wacky Mommy :) It's about time I did some website housekeeping around here.

Debs, don't worry, soon I'll get a cut of Aclare's millions and I'll be there. No doubt you have a pile of unpicking and a cup of tea waiting for me? I miss you too my friend.

The Mother, Texas might not be the best market for your brand of Godless Science :) but check out 'New Scientist' Magazine for starters. Head to a large bookstore or newsagents and browse. I know there is a market for you, your article went down well here!

Yeah, aging. It's happening to me faster than to them though...

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Teenage complaining? I go for voluntary hearing loss...

acalre said...

Yes you can do your unpicking in my island home on Monas!! Heheheeee...

Just need those winning numbers! x

Islandgirl said...

Dear Pockets,
I have the same problem as Debs.

I also have an even bigger problem. How to get a toddler to stop tapdancing on your table, and your laptop, and the cat..and anything else he can climb on top of. Tying him up like a market crab is starting to look like a good option. Though I have to admit..he is cute :)