Please could you tell me the winning numbers for the lottery. The glass on our oven door fell off and so we have had to fix it back with duck tape, since finding a new oven to fit the space might not be possible and an entirley new kitchen is out of the question! We would be willing to send a cut your way if you can help.
I await your reponse with eager anticipation!
Dear Agony Aunt:
Can you please tell me how to write a best selling novel, so I can give up my day job and lead the life of Riley?
Also, please explain how to make my teens grateful for my tutelage.
Dear Aclare and Mother,
First of all, would I be here if I knew how to win the lottery/write a best selling novel? Why oh why do you torment me so? However, because I am a kind and helpful Aunt Pockets, I will do my best.
Aclare, I feel for you. Fitted ovens were designed especially all in different sizes so that when they break, it will be impossible to get a new one in without knocking several walls down and selling your kidney. Never fear, the designer of your oven is suffering from horrible hair loss and toenail fungus as we speak.
Is there a handyman nearby who could do something madly creative with a drill, and get your door glass connected again? If you could make it last another year or so, you might find yourself in a position to redecorate then. Try calling around and see if you can find a sympathetic and creative repair man.
And if you DO win the lottery, it was totally because of me so don't forget my cut!
Mother, your writing is great. Before you start pitching that novel, try pitching to magazines first. Read a few and see what you can find with short stories and articles, and write a few in that style. Most importantly, look at how many words are used in each magazine's articles, and stick to that number. Each magazine will have spaces for certain sized article spaces, so you want to be the person with JUST what they are looking for. Email them your ideas, sit back and wait.
With practice, you will polish up your pitch and improve your writing. Hopefully you will even get feedback from editors, which is always good. With a few published articles under your belt, you can REALLY call yourself a professional writer, and eventually, with luck and tons of hard work, you'll be living the life of Riley.
Failing that, you could kidnap a famous author and drug them into submission. You could do that!
How to make teens grateful? BWAHAHAHA! Good one! I tried going on strike, and they didn't notice. We were knee deep in smelly socks before I caved. I have a coffee mug that says, "Teenagers! Are you tired of being harassed by your stupid parents? Act Now. Move out, get a job, and pay your own bills, while you still know everything." They think I'm very droll.
|You could try putting signs up everywhere...|
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